A Walk to Remeber ~ October 3, 2009

Last Saturday Scott and I participated in our first Walk to Remember. Although we both wish it was something we didn't have to participate in, it was definitely something we'll look forward to each year. It was really beautiful. The weather forecast for the day was not so great but it ended up being perfect, I think a few angel babies had a hand in that..the speaker told his very touching story about the loss of his stillborn daughter at 8.5 months. To hear his pain, just breaks your heart as he describes EVERY single emotion we feel. To hear a guys perspective of feeling helpless and not being able to 'fix' what has happened for his wife and how much that just kills the guy..really just broke my heart. I know Scott battles with those feelings..but for the rest of my life I will always assure him, it's not so much about the fixing as the 'being' there. After the gentleman shared his story we were given white roses for each baby and then balloons. We were able to write the baby's names on a balloon with a message. Then we walked down to the river bend where we all gathered and they read each and every baby's name off, as they read your baby's name you would release your balloon(s) into the sky. Scott and I tied our 3 balloons together and we let them go together..they will always be together. With a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes I grabbed on to Scott and we just let the tears trickle as the sun peaked through the clouds and we knew our babies were there with us..

Hagley Memorial

The Hagley Memorial (seen above) was brought to life thanks to many wonderful people. Thanks to the more than generous contributions by family and friends a memorial bench at Ada Park is in in honor of Amelia, Elijah and Addison. Due to the overwhelming amount of contributions they were also able to purchase three Korean Lilac Trees, each to represent one of our children. The rocks symbolize the eternal love of our family of five.

Scott and I were so deeply moved by this token of love from everyone who contributed to this wonderful idea. It is nice to have some place to go and talk about our children. The cemetery can be hard because you can't escape the realities of where you are...we also like it because it give us somewhere for the pups to be with the babies too..somewhere where we are truly all together.

We can never thank all of you enough.

Love,

Michelle & Scott

Father's Day

To my husband that I love more than words can ever express, Happy Father's Day. Amelia, Eli and Addy are lucky to have you as their Father. I know they wish they were here to make this day a happy one and not such a sad one.

It's such a weird day when you don't get to really celebrate the way you should..it's hard to find the words to explain how incredibly tough a day such as Father's Day is on someone who is 110% a Father but whose kids aren't here to show him that love with hugs and kisses.

Scott and I made our trip out to the grave site to visit our children. It's hard, so hard to go through the emotions we go through when we are there..there is so many tears and soo much pain. One of the hardest parts of all of this is the "if's", the if's of what we would be doing if the kids where here; if the kids were here we'd be out on the lake, hanging out with family, having a good time and most of all laughing..

As the months pass it is very hard to live for today and not think about all the things we should or would be doing if Amelia, Eli and Addy were still here with us..the mass ciaos that would be our life and knowing how badly we wish that was our life.

I ask that you please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we at times are still suffocated by the grief of losing our children. And although Scott and I have had a tough ride, there is no one in this world I would rather ride with..Scott, I love you with all of my heart.

Love
Michelle

The most beautiful sunset I have ever seen...

So I found this website, http://www.namesinthesand.blogspot.com/ and the wonderful couple that started the site lost their son and their story really touched my heart. You can read all about them on the blog. They started this tribute to their son and you can send them name requests and they go out at sunset and write your baby's names in the sand and then post the pictures on the blog for you to have for your own. If you would like to see our kids names on this blog you can search from them at the top of the blog...it's neat to see.

It's just a really, really beautiful thing to do for the so many people in this world that have the unfortunate knowing of this kind of grief, the loss of a child. When I read about their son Christian I cried and cried...to hear how she felt just hits home.

Back to my story..there was one..a while ago like March I found this site and I sent our kids names in to be written. For weeks I checked the blog anxiously awaiting them to show up...after 2 weeks or so they were there, I saw them for the first time at work and the tears were hard to stop. It's weird how things like this are now what bring me close to our children, since we cant physically hold them things like this make me feel completely surrounded by them.

After I got the pictures I came up with the idea of framing them and putting them up in our sun room and then painting a beautiful quote on the wall, something that is close to Scott, me and our babies. The hardest part of this idea was keeping it a SECRET for 3 months!?!?!? BUT I did it, Tara helped me get the room done last Saturday and I gave Scott his Father's Day gift from Amelia, Elijah and Addy. I think he really liked it...

I will post the pictures soon..it turned out great!

May...

It has been a while since my last post...I am terrible about taking pictures and a blog without pictures can just be boring!

Well..with May came Mother's Day a holiday I was dreading for weeks, wishing it would hurry up and get here and then just go away. For the weeks heading up to that day I could feel my mood changing and I just had the hardest time 'relaxing'..I had very mixed emotions about the day in general and that I think is what made me so uneasy. In the weeks prior to a holiday I think we try to prep ourselves for all that day means and the emotions it may or may not bringing and part of our frustrations is not knowing what to expect or how we are going to be that day..for me I wanted to be recognized as a Mother because I am a Mother. I am just a Mother who has to go the whole day without wrapping her arms around her children and just know in my heart that I deserve to be celebrated on that day as much as the next Mom.

Thanks to my wonderful husband I actually had a very busy (per my request) and heart warming weekend. Scott and the kids sent me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers to work on Friday. There were lots of tears as Katie brought them back to my desk...the words on the card will forever be with me because they were exactly what I needed to hear going into that weekend.

Saturday morning we enjoyed our morning coffee in the sun room and when my gift wrapped present peeked out of Scott's brief case I just had to have it!! After all it was small which I knew was a good sign. ;) The package was beautifully wrapped and inside was even more beautiful, he had gotten me a gorgeous birthstone ring with three garnets!! I LOVE the ring it makes me smile every time I look at it. Saturday night we went to dinner just the two of us and had the chance to be together and talk about us and our family. It was just a wonderful evening.

Sunday aka Mother's Day...I got up nice and early to go for a walk just myself and my pups. I can't really explain my emotions during the walk..I had a few tears but I wasn't overwhelmingly sad..it was peaceful and quiet the sun was shining and I felt like my children were there with me...walking with me and not only telling me 'Happy Mother's Day but that they loved me'. I think that day at that moment it was the first time since their birth that I felt alive. Not numb.
We golfed with my parents that morning and then went to dinner that evening to my favorite restaurant.

Before dinner on Sunday we made our trip to the cemetery to visit the grave site. I just can't explain it other than saying it sucks. Really just sucks. Scott and I would NEVER wish this pain on anyone..at times the pain can just crush you and it's hard to breath. When we were there on Mother's Day I got to tell Scott how much guilt I really carry with me every single day..guilt of letting down my entire family, my incredible husband and my children. I had one job...to get them here and I failed, failed miserably. And I can't fix this, I can't.

Now..we prepare for Father's Day...this year can't suck any more than it did the day before we have to do what we can to make the best of it. I have a few surprises up my sleve for Father's Day...Scott deserves more than just one day but if that's all he is given I will make it the most incredible day of the year to celebrate how much he has touched my life and his children's life. After all he had the toughest job of all during my pregnancy and that was taking care of me!!

Love
Michelle

We have spirit...

yes we do, we have spirit how bout you!?!?!?!?!? Cavs are taking it all the way baby!!!

Words Can't Describe..

Words cannot describe the wave of emotion that flows through every inch of your body as you drive into the cemetery where your children are buried, I couldn't help but think that from now on when we want to spend time with our children this is where we have to go...as I sat on the cold earth and clutched Scott's leg we both just sobbed and sobbed. As the tears streamed down our faces we took turns talking to our children and sharing what was our first Easter with our new family.

I couldn't help but think how much it sucked that most people got to spend Easter with their families today and to an extent even we did but at the end of the day our family wasn't all together, we wont ever be, there will always be 3 missing. It was very important to us that we stop by and talk to our kids today. It will always be important to me that they aren't alone on the holidays, god knows we would give anything to have them with us.

I guess up unto this point I haven't thought about how hard the holidays were going to be this first year and really for the rest of our lives. Holiday's bring about soo many different emotions as you go through the motions of the day, eating, drinking and laughing, I am numb and all that keeps repeating over and over in my head is "this isn't how it is supposed to be" and "I want our beans here".

Happy Easter babies, Mommy and Daddy love you so much and miss you with all of our being.

Love
Mommy

My Beautiful Niece

Ok, I had to steal this picture from my brother's blog because my niece is just so adorable. She has the chubbiest cheeks ever and I just want to munch on them!

I am very jealous because my family is heading down to San Antonio on Friday to visit my two brothers, their wives and my nieces. I don't get to go! :( I am 86 vacation time. Which totally sucks.

I am sending lots of hugs and kisses their way! We love you all so much!

Womb

This is one of my favorite pieces that was given to us by the hospital. They did a mold of the babies as they were in my womb prior to being born. This is one of those breathtaking pieces that I can hold and stare at for hours. As weird as it sounds I feel like I can still touch our babies by touching this. They are so real.

And although they were small it makes me smile to pick out features of Scott and I that I see in them. We make gorgeous babies that is for sure.

Hope Chest

This beautiful Hope Chest was built with so much love for Scott and I by our very good friend Tara. Although Tara doesn't think it is so perfect, I could not imagine buying anything like it from a store. This beautiful chest holds all of the memories we have of our children.

After we moved the chest up to the would have been babies room I took my time to place each item into this chest. I held each stuffed animal, blanket, book, u/s pictures and remnants from my bed rest days and just felt so many different feelings and emotions. It is still very hard for me to be in that room..that room held soo many hopes and dreams of our family that was finally being started and again it is empty.

With this Hope Chest we hope to pick up the pieces of 2009 and move forward, not move on but forward.

No One Will Ever Know

To: Amelia, Elijah and Addison

Many a lonely moment;

Often a silent tear;

But always a beautiful memory

of THREE who were so dear.

Their memory is our keepsake

From which we shall never part

God has them in His keeping.

We have them in our hearts,

Friends may think we have forgotten

When at times they see us smile,

Little do they know the heartache

That our smile hides all the while.

We mourn for them in silence,

No one can see us weep

But many silent tears are shed

While others are asleep.

God gave us strength to fight it

And courage to bear the blow,

But what it meant to lose them

NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW

Author Unknown

I found this poem and it brought tears to my eyes. I think it speaks volumes as to what Scott and I feel but can't explain...as each day passes we long for our children that cannot be here with us and because of that we will never be the same. There is comfort in knowing they are in Heaven with God but no place is better than here on earth in our arms.

Amelia, Eli and Addy - you are in our thoughts forever and in our hearts for always. Love, Mommy

Cleveland

Thanks to our good friend Tara, Scott and I were able to get away to one of our favorite places, Cleveland! Tara got us a nice little get away package which included a hotel room and tickets to a Cavs game Saturday night.

It was really nice to get away and just 'have fun'. The weather was great in C-Town, 64 degrees and cloudy but nice and warm. We grabbed some lunch and cocktails then walked around the not so great mall. Then we headed over to Corner Alley, a cool new bar/bowling alley. We grabbed some cocktails and bowled a few games. Downtown Cleveland is absolutely packed the night of games so all of the restaurants and bars were just over flowing with people. It's just a fun place to be!

The games was great! We won, thank god. We got to have our stadium hotdogs that I just love!

After the game we walked back to the hotel and grabbed some dessert and a few more cocktails before heading to bed, I mean before heading to the room to catch the Cavs highlights on Sports Center. :) Love you babes!

We'll Love You Forever

We'll Love You Forever
We Like You For Always
As Long As We're Living
Our Babies You'll Be

Amelia, Elijah and Addison

Mommy and Daddy can not thank you enough for making us your parents...we are forever blessed because of you.

P.S. Daddy has promised Mommy that he will upload the beautiful slide show we put together so we can share it with all of our friends and family. Although it is very hard not to keep everything to ourselves, Mommy (and Daddy) wants to share you with the world.

Our Precious Babies

To our Friends and Family:

Amelia Dolores, Elijah Gregory, and Addison Marie Hagley were called home to Heaven. Their time on earth was brief, but memorable and we cherished every single second we got to spend with them.

Our babies were beautiful and perfect in every way. Amelia was 10.0 inches and weighed 1 lb .5 ounces. Eli was 10.5 inches and 1 lb 2 ounces and Addy was 9 inches and .8 lbs.

We don't understand how. We don't understand why. And we don't understand where we go from here. All that we know is that we loved our babies very much.

We want to thank everyone for their kind words, prayers and well wishes. Your support helped us get through our daily struggles and it means the world to us.

One day at time, one foot in front of the other we will get through this.

Love Scott and Michelle

The Pups first visit to the hospital!!!

Sunday the pups had their first (of many) visits to the hospital to visit their Mom!! It was more than great to see them!! I miss them soo much. It was great to have them snuggle up to me for a few hours. Since Sunday's mark a new week for us we will continue to celebrate those days with a visit from our pups!

Unfortunately, I don't have much new news to report, which in a good way is good news! I was started on Magnesium Sulfate on Friday afternoon, this is given by IV which sucks but ah well..the first 2 days were a little rough, the magnesium comes with some fun side effects, luckily, the side effects I was experiencing have subsided!

We are getting more sleep now that I am on the Magnesium. The nurse comes in only once a night to change the IV bag instead of a few times like they used to when I was on the oral meds. With the Mag my blood is drawn daily to check levels and they do that between 5-7 in the morning, the resident doctor stops in around 6. So from 5-7, I don't sleep much!!

Not sure when our next u/s is but we will send an update when we have one!

Love you all!

A good friend of our sent me this picture and it definitely cheered me up!!! Thanks Darrin for always making us laugh!!!

We're Back

Hi Everyone-

This is Scott posting on our blog for the first time. I'm sorry that we haven't returned many emails, phone calls or texts over the past several days. Things have been very stressful and probably not in the best frame of mind to discuss the details.

On Friday we went in for a schedule cervical length test and unfortunately it shrank again. We were taken back to the hospital. We will be calling room 4423 'home' for a very long time.

The goal remains the same. We need to keep our babies safely inside of Michelle for as long as possible. Today marks week 20 which is a great milestone.

If you could see Michelle right now you would all be as proud of her as I am. She's being very brave and very strong - despite suffering from a double ear infection and head cold on top of everything.

We will try and post more frequently as our tests will be often. Tomorrow we're looking forward to detailed U/S of all the babies.

Again, we're very sorry for our lack of communication at times, but please know that your support means everything to us.

Here are a few pics from the hospital.

Hospital free ... for now

After a grueling week in the hospital we were discharged today. I have been contraction free for 24 hours and my cervix is stable. I'm so excited to be back home.

On Friday we had an ultra sound to check out the beans and my cervix. The beans all looked great and my cervix actually grew to 17 mm, which is what the doctors hoped for.

I'm on strict bed rest with bathroom use as the only excuse to get out of bed. It is going to be challenging for us, but I'm confident we will make it work.

We are so grateful for all of the prayers and support. Please keep them coming. The weeks ahead are going be difficult.

Love Michelle and Scott

Hospital

Well..against my best efforts to avoid getting here, I am here, in the hospital on bed rest at 18 weeks. I wish I was a stronger person but I cant seem to stop crying.

Yesterday, we went in for a routine 2 week cervical length check and my cervix had shortened significantly from 43 mm to 16 mm. They like it to be above 25 mm. After meeting with the doctor we were sent over to OB Triage. We we in triage from 9:00 a.m -4:30 p.m. It was determined that I was in deed having contractions about every 3 minutes, I had no idea. I couldn't feel them really. They started me on some oral meds and that stopped the contractions completely. I was admitted to the hospital around 5:00 p.m. last night so that I can be monitored on the meds for the next 48 hours and then they will determine where we go from here.

All 3 babies are doing great, there is no stress on any of them. At the u/s they were all moving with very healthy heart beats.

Our biggest concern from here on out is keeping our babies safe and warm for at least another 11-12 weeks.

I am going to have a tough time with this for a lot of reason but will do my best to not cry all the time.

Love
Michelle