May...

It has been a while since my last post...I am terrible about taking pictures and a blog without pictures can just be boring!

Well..with May came Mother's Day a holiday I was dreading for weeks, wishing it would hurry up and get here and then just go away. For the weeks heading up to that day I could feel my mood changing and I just had the hardest time 'relaxing'..I had very mixed emotions about the day in general and that I think is what made me so uneasy. In the weeks prior to a holiday I think we try to prep ourselves for all that day means and the emotions it may or may not bringing and part of our frustrations is not knowing what to expect or how we are going to be that day..for me I wanted to be recognized as a Mother because I am a Mother. I am just a Mother who has to go the whole day without wrapping her arms around her children and just know in my heart that I deserve to be celebrated on that day as much as the next Mom.

Thanks to my wonderful husband I actually had a very busy (per my request) and heart warming weekend. Scott and the kids sent me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers to work on Friday. There were lots of tears as Katie brought them back to my desk...the words on the card will forever be with me because they were exactly what I needed to hear going into that weekend.

Saturday morning we enjoyed our morning coffee in the sun room and when my gift wrapped present peeked out of Scott's brief case I just had to have it!! After all it was small which I knew was a good sign. ;) The package was beautifully wrapped and inside was even more beautiful, he had gotten me a gorgeous birthstone ring with three garnets!! I LOVE the ring it makes me smile every time I look at it. Saturday night we went to dinner just the two of us and had the chance to be together and talk about us and our family. It was just a wonderful evening.

Sunday aka Mother's Day...I got up nice and early to go for a walk just myself and my pups. I can't really explain my emotions during the walk..I had a few tears but I wasn't overwhelmingly sad..it was peaceful and quiet the sun was shining and I felt like my children were there with me...walking with me and not only telling me 'Happy Mother's Day but that they loved me'. I think that day at that moment it was the first time since their birth that I felt alive. Not numb.
We golfed with my parents that morning and then went to dinner that evening to my favorite restaurant.

Before dinner on Sunday we made our trip to the cemetery to visit the grave site. I just can't explain it other than saying it sucks. Really just sucks. Scott and I would NEVER wish this pain on anyone..at times the pain can just crush you and it's hard to breath. When we were there on Mother's Day I got to tell Scott how much guilt I really carry with me every single day..guilt of letting down my entire family, my incredible husband and my children. I had one job...to get them here and I failed, failed miserably. And I can't fix this, I can't.

Now..we prepare for Father's Day...this year can't suck any more than it did the day before we have to do what we can to make the best of it. I have a few surprises up my sleve for Father's Day...Scott deserves more than just one day but if that's all he is given I will make it the most incredible day of the year to celebrate how much he has touched my life and his children's life. After all he had the toughest job of all during my pregnancy and that was taking care of me!!

Love
Michelle