Been a while

It's been a while since we've posted. I think it's hard to go back to the blog because so much of it is centered around the triplets.

I decided to post today after having a conversation with a man who had lost his daughter at a young age. As he calmly told me her story, I started to break down myself. Whenever that happens the first thing I like to do is to look at pictures of the babies. I think it's very therapeutic.

Michelle and I think about them every day and often times talk about what was supposed to be. We miss them very much.

Since our last post, most of you know we had a baby girl named Elliot. Some day we look forward to telling her about her older siblings.

Here is one of my favorite pictures of Elliot.

Scott

A Walk to Remeber ~ October 3, 2009

Last Saturday Scott and I participated in our first Walk to Remember. Although we both wish it was something we didn't have to participate in, it was definitely something we'll look forward to each year. It was really beautiful. The weather forecast for the day was not so great but it ended up being perfect, I think a few angel babies had a hand in that..the speaker told his very touching story about the loss of his stillborn daughter at 8.5 months. To hear his pain, just breaks your heart as he describes EVERY single emotion we feel. To hear a guys perspective of feeling helpless and not being able to 'fix' what has happened for his wife and how much that just kills the guy..really just broke my heart. I know Scott battles with those feelings..but for the rest of my life I will always assure him, it's not so much about the fixing as the 'being' there. After the gentleman shared his story we were given white roses for each baby and then balloons. We were able to write the baby's names on a balloon with a message. Then we walked down to the river bend where we all gathered and they read each and every baby's name off, as they read your baby's name you would release your balloon(s) into the sky. Scott and I tied our 3 balloons together and we let them go together..they will always be together. With a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes I grabbed on to Scott and we just let the tears trickle as the sun peaked through the clouds and we knew our babies were there with us..

Hagley Memorial

The Hagley Memorial (seen above) was brought to life thanks to many wonderful people. Thanks to the more than generous contributions by family and friends a memorial bench at Ada Park is in in honor of Amelia, Elijah and Addison. Due to the overwhelming amount of contributions they were also able to purchase three Korean Lilac Trees, each to represent one of our children. The rocks symbolize the eternal love of our family of five.

Scott and I were so deeply moved by this token of love from everyone who contributed to this wonderful idea. It is nice to have some place to go and talk about our children. The cemetery can be hard because you can't escape the realities of where you are...we also like it because it give us somewhere for the pups to be with the babies too..somewhere where we are truly all together.

We can never thank all of you enough.

Love,

Michelle & Scott

Father's Day

To my husband that I love more than words can ever express, Happy Father's Day. Amelia, Eli and Addy are lucky to have you as their Father. I know they wish they were here to make this day a happy one and not such a sad one.

It's such a weird day when you don't get to really celebrate the way you should..it's hard to find the words to explain how incredibly tough a day such as Father's Day is on someone who is 110% a Father but whose kids aren't here to show him that love with hugs and kisses.

Scott and I made our trip out to the grave site to visit our children. It's hard, so hard to go through the emotions we go through when we are there..there is so many tears and soo much pain. One of the hardest parts of all of this is the "if's", the if's of what we would be doing if the kids where here; if the kids were here we'd be out on the lake, hanging out with family, having a good time and most of all laughing..

As the months pass it is very hard to live for today and not think about all the things we should or would be doing if Amelia, Eli and Addy were still here with us..the mass ciaos that would be our life and knowing how badly we wish that was our life.

I ask that you please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we at times are still suffocated by the grief of losing our children. And although Scott and I have had a tough ride, there is no one in this world I would rather ride with..Scott, I love you with all of my heart.

Love
Michelle

The most beautiful sunset I have ever seen...

So I found this website, http://www.namesinthesand.blogspot.com/ and the wonderful couple that started the site lost their son and their story really touched my heart. You can read all about them on the blog. They started this tribute to their son and you can send them name requests and they go out at sunset and write your baby's names in the sand and then post the pictures on the blog for you to have for your own. If you would like to see our kids names on this blog you can search from them at the top of the blog...it's neat to see.

It's just a really, really beautiful thing to do for the so many people in this world that have the unfortunate knowing of this kind of grief, the loss of a child. When I read about their son Christian I cried and cried...to hear how she felt just hits home.

Back to my story..there was one..a while ago like March I found this site and I sent our kids names in to be written. For weeks I checked the blog anxiously awaiting them to show up...after 2 weeks or so they were there, I saw them for the first time at work and the tears were hard to stop. It's weird how things like this are now what bring me close to our children, since we cant physically hold them things like this make me feel completely surrounded by them.

After I got the pictures I came up with the idea of framing them and putting them up in our sun room and then painting a beautiful quote on the wall, something that is close to Scott, me and our babies. The hardest part of this idea was keeping it a SECRET for 3 months!?!?!? BUT I did it, Tara helped me get the room done last Saturday and I gave Scott his Father's Day gift from Amelia, Elijah and Addy. I think he really liked it...

I will post the pictures soon..it turned out great!

May...

It has been a while since my last post...I am terrible about taking pictures and a blog without pictures can just be boring!

Well..with May came Mother's Day a holiday I was dreading for weeks, wishing it would hurry up and get here and then just go away. For the weeks heading up to that day I could feel my mood changing and I just had the hardest time 'relaxing'..I had very mixed emotions about the day in general and that I think is what made me so uneasy. In the weeks prior to a holiday I think we try to prep ourselves for all that day means and the emotions it may or may not bringing and part of our frustrations is not knowing what to expect or how we are going to be that day..for me I wanted to be recognized as a Mother because I am a Mother. I am just a Mother who has to go the whole day without wrapping her arms around her children and just know in my heart that I deserve to be celebrated on that day as much as the next Mom.

Thanks to my wonderful husband I actually had a very busy (per my request) and heart warming weekend. Scott and the kids sent me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers to work on Friday. There were lots of tears as Katie brought them back to my desk...the words on the card will forever be with me because they were exactly what I needed to hear going into that weekend.

Saturday morning we enjoyed our morning coffee in the sun room and when my gift wrapped present peeked out of Scott's brief case I just had to have it!! After all it was small which I knew was a good sign. ;) The package was beautifully wrapped and inside was even more beautiful, he had gotten me a gorgeous birthstone ring with three garnets!! I LOVE the ring it makes me smile every time I look at it. Saturday night we went to dinner just the two of us and had the chance to be together and talk about us and our family. It was just a wonderful evening.

Sunday aka Mother's Day...I got up nice and early to go for a walk just myself and my pups. I can't really explain my emotions during the walk..I had a few tears but I wasn't overwhelmingly sad..it was peaceful and quiet the sun was shining and I felt like my children were there with me...walking with me and not only telling me 'Happy Mother's Day but that they loved me'. I think that day at that moment it was the first time since their birth that I felt alive. Not numb.
We golfed with my parents that morning and then went to dinner that evening to my favorite restaurant.

Before dinner on Sunday we made our trip to the cemetery to visit the grave site. I just can't explain it other than saying it sucks. Really just sucks. Scott and I would NEVER wish this pain on anyone..at times the pain can just crush you and it's hard to breath. When we were there on Mother's Day I got to tell Scott how much guilt I really carry with me every single day..guilt of letting down my entire family, my incredible husband and my children. I had one job...to get them here and I failed, failed miserably. And I can't fix this, I can't.

Now..we prepare for Father's Day...this year can't suck any more than it did the day before we have to do what we can to make the best of it. I have a few surprises up my sleve for Father's Day...Scott deserves more than just one day but if that's all he is given I will make it the most incredible day of the year to celebrate how much he has touched my life and his children's life. After all he had the toughest job of all during my pregnancy and that was taking care of me!!

Love
Michelle

We have spirit...

yes we do, we have spirit how bout you!?!?!?!?!? Cavs are taking it all the way baby!!!