May...

It has been a while since my last post...I am terrible about taking pictures and a blog without pictures can just be boring!

Well..with May came Mother's Day a holiday I was dreading for weeks, wishing it would hurry up and get here and then just go away. For the weeks heading up to that day I could feel my mood changing and I just had the hardest time 'relaxing'..I had very mixed emotions about the day in general and that I think is what made me so uneasy. In the weeks prior to a holiday I think we try to prep ourselves for all that day means and the emotions it may or may not bringing and part of our frustrations is not knowing what to expect or how we are going to be that day..for me I wanted to be recognized as a Mother because I am a Mother. I am just a Mother who has to go the whole day without wrapping her arms around her children and just know in my heart that I deserve to be celebrated on that day as much as the next Mom.

Thanks to my wonderful husband I actually had a very busy (per my request) and heart warming weekend. Scott and the kids sent me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers to work on Friday. There were lots of tears as Katie brought them back to my desk...the words on the card will forever be with me because they were exactly what I needed to hear going into that weekend.

Saturday morning we enjoyed our morning coffee in the sun room and when my gift wrapped present peeked out of Scott's brief case I just had to have it!! After all it was small which I knew was a good sign. ;) The package was beautifully wrapped and inside was even more beautiful, he had gotten me a gorgeous birthstone ring with three garnets!! I LOVE the ring it makes me smile every time I look at it. Saturday night we went to dinner just the two of us and had the chance to be together and talk about us and our family. It was just a wonderful evening.

Sunday aka Mother's Day...I got up nice and early to go for a walk just myself and my pups. I can't really explain my emotions during the walk..I had a few tears but I wasn't overwhelmingly sad..it was peaceful and quiet the sun was shining and I felt like my children were there with me...walking with me and not only telling me 'Happy Mother's Day but that they loved me'. I think that day at that moment it was the first time since their birth that I felt alive. Not numb.
We golfed with my parents that morning and then went to dinner that evening to my favorite restaurant.

Before dinner on Sunday we made our trip to the cemetery to visit the grave site. I just can't explain it other than saying it sucks. Really just sucks. Scott and I would NEVER wish this pain on anyone..at times the pain can just crush you and it's hard to breath. When we were there on Mother's Day I got to tell Scott how much guilt I really carry with me every single day..guilt of letting down my entire family, my incredible husband and my children. I had one job...to get them here and I failed, failed miserably. And I can't fix this, I can't.

Now..we prepare for Father's Day...this year can't suck any more than it did the day before we have to do what we can to make the best of it. I have a few surprises up my sleve for Father's Day...Scott deserves more than just one day but if that's all he is given I will make it the most incredible day of the year to celebrate how much he has touched my life and his children's life. After all he had the toughest job of all during my pregnancy and that was taking care of me!!

Love
Michelle

We have spirit...

yes we do, we have spirit how bout you!?!?!?!?!? Cavs are taking it all the way baby!!!

Words Can't Describe..

Words cannot describe the wave of emotion that flows through every inch of your body as you drive into the cemetery where your children are buried, I couldn't help but think that from now on when we want to spend time with our children this is where we have to go...as I sat on the cold earth and clutched Scott's leg we both just sobbed and sobbed. As the tears streamed down our faces we took turns talking to our children and sharing what was our first Easter with our new family.

I couldn't help but think how much it sucked that most people got to spend Easter with their families today and to an extent even we did but at the end of the day our family wasn't all together, we wont ever be, there will always be 3 missing. It was very important to us that we stop by and talk to our kids today. It will always be important to me that they aren't alone on the holidays, god knows we would give anything to have them with us.

I guess up unto this point I haven't thought about how hard the holidays were going to be this first year and really for the rest of our lives. Holiday's bring about soo many different emotions as you go through the motions of the day, eating, drinking and laughing, I am numb and all that keeps repeating over and over in my head is "this isn't how it is supposed to be" and "I want our beans here".

Happy Easter babies, Mommy and Daddy love you so much and miss you with all of our being.

Love
Mommy

My Beautiful Niece

Ok, I had to steal this picture from my brother's blog because my niece is just so adorable. She has the chubbiest cheeks ever and I just want to munch on them!

I am very jealous because my family is heading down to San Antonio on Friday to visit my two brothers, their wives and my nieces. I don't get to go! :( I am 86 vacation time. Which totally sucks.

I am sending lots of hugs and kisses their way! We love you all so much!

Womb

This is one of my favorite pieces that was given to us by the hospital. They did a mold of the babies as they were in my womb prior to being born. This is one of those breathtaking pieces that I can hold and stare at for hours. As weird as it sounds I feel like I can still touch our babies by touching this. They are so real.

And although they were small it makes me smile to pick out features of Scott and I that I see in them. We make gorgeous babies that is for sure.

Hope Chest

This beautiful Hope Chest was built with so much love for Scott and I by our very good friend Tara. Although Tara doesn't think it is so perfect, I could not imagine buying anything like it from a store. This beautiful chest holds all of the memories we have of our children.

After we moved the chest up to the would have been babies room I took my time to place each item into this chest. I held each stuffed animal, blanket, book, u/s pictures and remnants from my bed rest days and just felt so many different feelings and emotions. It is still very hard for me to be in that room..that room held soo many hopes and dreams of our family that was finally being started and again it is empty.

With this Hope Chest we hope to pick up the pieces of 2009 and move forward, not move on but forward.

No One Will Ever Know

To: Amelia, Elijah and Addison

Many a lonely moment;

Often a silent tear;

But always a beautiful memory

of THREE who were so dear.

Their memory is our keepsake

From which we shall never part

God has them in His keeping.

We have them in our hearts,

Friends may think we have forgotten

When at times they see us smile,

Little do they know the heartache

That our smile hides all the while.

We mourn for them in silence,

No one can see us weep

But many silent tears are shed

While others are asleep.

God gave us strength to fight it

And courage to bear the blow,

But what it meant to lose them

NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW

Author Unknown

I found this poem and it brought tears to my eyes. I think it speaks volumes as to what Scott and I feel but can't explain...as each day passes we long for our children that cannot be here with us and because of that we will never be the same. There is comfort in knowing they are in Heaven with God but no place is better than here on earth in our arms.

Amelia, Eli and Addy - you are in our thoughts forever and in our hearts for always. Love, Mommy